Listening: 'Light up the sky' by Yellowcard

I better do a small update in my blog before I go into a couple of busy weeks. Zeren came home for 4 days which was exciting as we managed to accomplish a lot of things we wanted to do such as shopping, eating gelati at the new gelati place at Rundle Street (and while watching gymnastics on their plasma), changing the smoke alarm battery, getting his jacket and bringing him to Robin's exhibition.

The last bit's kinda funny because when we walked out of the exhibition, he said to me 'the exhibition is not bad but the house is awesome!' It is! And I crave for a much bigger space to do my work at home. Really, I just need to install a boxing bag, a nice big easel and a drafting table. Yes, I need better lighting too.

And to top it off, we were walking back from the supermarket and I said 'how i wished my ducks were here' and Zeren said they're here. I turned and saw two familiar duckies standing on the green patch. Abby and Stewie had come home! I love those two to bits. I feel like a proud mummy. For Zeren to meet them, it's just awesome. I always wanted him to meet them.

As for uni, I'm trying to cope and it's not easy but I think I can do it. I hope I can. I just want to achieve that 'feeling' again so I'll be able to achieve the best results as last year. Last year my motivation was on a high. This year, it's the ultimate low, excluding first year. First year sucks. Anyway, bought two anatomy books for artists from Amazon and used my sister's gift voucher. Two books from Amazon (including p & h) is 1/3 a price of one of them in Angus and Robertson. Thank God for Amazon.

Received two bills from Origin. Because of their own mess, bills have been delayed and I just received the bills for 6 months all in one shot. Origin is seriously screwed up. They suck big time.

Random posting of Melbourne shots in our first few days there.

"And yet, as I discovered one day with my older children, the more I talked, the more they pulled back...but when I was present and available and waited for it to happen, the good stuff could start with the most innocuous question.

But parents don't know how much weight a simple word can carry. I started encouraging her, and she started pulling back, and within a year she had given up the whole idea. The last thing in the world she wanted to do was write a no-vel."
- Excerpt from 'The measure of a man - a memoir' - Sidney Poitier.

Currently I'm reading Sidney Poitier's book which I bought in Melbourne's Book Market. I've been looking for a (cheaper, second hand) copy of this book and I got it. It's interesting to learn and read the experience of this actor. And this excerpt caught my eye because it is very true.

The thing with me is that I hate it when people try to come into your personal space or they just want to dig or for this case, my parents to be asking questions that I don't really feel like answering or any family member. I become like a turtle and just hide in my shell until I'm ready to come out. That's me. When I'm ready, I will come out but it'll be by my own terms and my own timing. That's the only thing I have the greatest control. With time, I will ask the questions.

I get abit of that Dad-daughter thing like Sidney Poitier and his daughter with my own Dad. I know he reads this but I'll still write about it. He's still a very protective father in which I find it hard to think that he ever thinks of me as an adult. He probably still sees me as this naive teenager that would be watching MTV back in the living room or surfing the internet, scurring for photos and music in the study room. It's all due to the fact that I am the weaker child between my sister and me.

My sister's head strong and she'll let the whole world know and anybody who crosses her path shall be pushed out of her way to get something she wants. That determination she has in her. I have another kind of headstrong which is called stubbornness. A natural trait of the Taurus. But I keep it within myself. Mom and Dad knows that I'm stubborn but I do things on my own terms quietly by myself and I make sure that I'm responsible for it. Those who have met my sister and me can see we are quite opposites even though both of us were born with terrible teeth.

My dad's got this wave where he will wait and I will ask and the other point of the wave where he will ask and I will not open up. I guess it's a very natural instinct for older children to do that with their parents. Maybe it's a balance when you were this 4 year old and you simply cannot stop asking your parents questions. You'll ask like a 100 questions a day and it drives your parents insane. But of course, they don't show it. So as we get older, the roles are reversed but in a parent manner and it's much lesser than a 100 questions but like Mr Poitier described it as the weight of every word. Maybe the weight of a word comes with different kinds of thoughts and emotions that as a child, you can feel it.

I had this conversation with my Mom not too long ago and I told her that I'm 24 years of age but I'm still your daughter. She has to trust that she has raised me well and smart enough for me to make my own decisions. Being the weaker kid, physically and mentally of the two girls, my parents always had a pillow prepared if I fall. I am grateful and I do learn from these setbacks in life. I'm really proud of my Mom for understanding and the mutual respect I have between her and me is fantastic.

Last night's at Robin's opening night. I had missed calls and text messages from Dad and Zeren. Well more from Dad. Haha...don't feel guilty Dad. Could see you were panicking judging by those messages and you were checking on me weren't you? It could be due to the fact that I am the younger kid and most of all, I am a girl. Like what I told Mom, you have to trust that you have raised me well and taught me well. I don't like feeling like a teenager. That is so 1990s really haha. I'm coming to my mid-20s. (Shit, I'm old) I know that you are an extremely concerned Dad but trust your daughter and she will come to you. *big fat grin* I will still come to you no matter what with on my own terms and time. *terms and conditions apply (kidding)* Weekly calls are still great but try not to panick if I can't hear my phone or don't answer as fast as I can. If you don't hear from me from the next four hours at most after you tried calling, you have my permission to fly that shitty Tiger airlines here. Qantas is not that good at the moment and SIA is still the safest.

Speaking of parents, I really wished Robin's mom could come into class every friday as our motivation speaker. She says the perfect things to make young students like us feel inspired. It's probably the same words she said to Robin but really, she is fantastic. All of us were loving her kind words and company. God knows all of us needs that inspirational words for this semester. I know I need it. I need to find that something to look forward to.

Robin's exhibition is overwhelming. All the success he has achieved, may it be teaching in the academy that he was taught as a student, his engagement (which is about time) and his first exhibition. I'm thinking wow...that's quite a lot of big achievements. I start thinking whether I could even achieve a quarter of his illustration success. It's just so scary and the future seems blink. I'm the kind of person who lives day by day and don't have very good long term goals. I take what I get each day most of the time. Really different from how Zeren sees his future. He forsees things and I can't see myself in anything or anywhere yet. I just want to try and try and try and see where I go from wherever. (I sense panicky parents at this stage haha)

It is also intimidating because I am so bloody new to illustration. This whole art scene which I was not exposed to back in Singapore. Zeren keeps telling me that I have such high expectations of myself to be as good as the best illustrators in the industry that I always forget that I've only just begun. I am achieving and learning so much at such a short amount of time that it does surprise people. The girl with no art background, only a music background. I told Zeren that's because my teachers have that same expectations of me. Robin gives comments and pushes me because he thinks I am of that standard where I can take harsher criticism and be better. David told me on wednesday that I never fail him to come up with great ideas or work. He said that he knows that I can do it well and keep it up there at that level. Geert's just happy that I sketched on white paper yesterday haha. Good bloke. With all of this, it is hard to remember that I've been doing this for less than two years. I guess that's why I have Zeren to keep me grounded when I'm pushing myself extensively for I am very critical about what I do and what kind of person I am. I get very emotional and stressed when I cannot achieve something of a higher standard that I put myself out for and I do get blinded by that. Maybe I just want to be able to catch up with everyone.

Here are some photos from the opening night. Funny how there was the opening ceremony of the Olympics and Robin's opening night. Probably the 080808 thing. Had heaps of fun. The crew came back to my place and Stuart had to borrow Zeren's shirt for the event. 'Your shirt and your girl, zeren' - says stu. All in good fun so chill. And I have concluded that men winge alot about walking. To think the girls didn't make a sound about walking at all. 10 minutes walk! Deep entry, I know. Photo time. And seriously I need a new small camera.