Times are getting harder as days go by. Friends are facing the similar fates and sharing the same stress, even more.

I'm worried that I may have made a bad impression of myself today. At about five, a girl came up to ask who knows how to use Photoshop. All of us could and I was interested. Flash vs Photoshop? I pick photoshop any day, any time. Then I ask what's the task about and she just said that we need to help up. Is there going to be OT? Oh yeah, she said. A guy walks by and thinks that I volunteered and I replied that I was just asking. Both of them walk away and they didn't come back to see whether they needed us. Don't get me wrong. I am hardworking. It's just that if it were Monday to Thursday, I don't mind the OT but a friday night? A day where all of us can leave earlier? I would skip it but now I think they know what I'm like judging from there. I come home asking my dad what he thought of the situation. He mentioned that it leaves a little bad impression but then it's a friday night. People could have plans and it was after all a last minute thing. They could have asked earlier but they didn't. I guess I have to make up for it by actually putting in more than I am. Pushing myself harder than I am. I just feel bad and to top it off, have friends to rub it further.

I have to go to work tomorrow. I'm seriously drained out today. I make use of laughter to keep me sane. I think all of us do. Just now my mom asked me to call my grandma and grandaunt. Cos when they get a phone call from us, especially the granddaughters, they'll jump for joy. I know my dad and sis are obligated to doing that and my mom asked me to. While talking to the folks, it really turns out that I feel happy talking to them, even if it's just eight minutes. They may be two old ladies but they're two ladies with care, love and concern. I know that they are smiling on the other end and so was I. Sometimes I wish my sis would treat them better after what they have done.

Speaking of the devil, it was only yesterday I was talking to Lina about having own styles. My sis is 24 yrs old and she still wants to copy my style. She came home with her hair coloured in the same shade as mine and layered like me except it's much longer. She tries to dress like me when she's going shopping. I'm not too sure whether I do have my own style but I know that it's a fusion of a little of everything. As long as I have denims, blacks, whites, slippers, shoes and belts. I'm one fashionably happy girl.

I'm still going to go on with my 'anti-snacking' saga at work. I find it's alright for home cos you're out and about or exercising but at work, you sit all day and eat. That ain't good especially with the increase of Singaporeans getting high cholestrol levels which leads to heart disease. I'm scared of heart disease and I want to take care of my body. Exercise and right eating should do it. Man, I feel fat now. Ate quite a lot today.

Met the 'radio' guy the second time since attachment. This young bloke blast his Noke N Gage phone in the 315 bus, the first time I saw him. Playing all the love, sad songs at 8+ in the morning. Here I am trying to feel fresh so that I can handle the stress and he puts me to sleep. Trademark's Only Love and Elton John's Can you feel the love tonight.... I'm slowly growing a detest of 'Only Love'. Tekka Mall's BK keeps playing that too. Anyway, he didn't blast his radio in the bus until we got off at the interchange. He was walking right behind me and played Sean Paul's I'm still in love. Gosh, help me! It's so freakin' loud and i don't need music effects when I walk to Serangoon MRT. Sheez....anyway, i'm gonna zzzz now. Tired and gonna shop for slippers and cleanser tomorrow when I'm still broke. When's my pay coming??

Tip of the day: Enjoy a mini massage in the shower. Lay your head back, close your eyes and let the water pound on your head for a few minutes. It'll be one of the best few minutes of your day. It works for me.

Now the super major stress is kicking in and is definitely bringing out the 'best' out of everyone. True colours and even worse. I'm cursing even more and I'm even planning on re-writing the song 'Car crashes' to 'Comp crashes'.

Our computers have been blanked out over some wires that are stuck on the floor by masking tape. Flash hangs and crashes on you when you've put in so much effort even though I saved like every five minutes. This is brutal man!!

Last night, I sacrificed my computer to watch flipper the movie. Oh I love that show! I rather sit there and admired the beaches, the waters, the houses, and the dolphins. It's beautiful. Gave me at least an hour of never never land last night. After that, I went to bed, hoping to continue my dream. Shiok!

I was considering whether I am in the right line but I like all this stuff. I was thinking in majoring in either design or 3D animation. There's practically no life here. Social life. How are we supposed to see our family and friends if we're married to our work all the time? How am I going to accomplished my goals or even make my dreams come true? I need to get some serious thought here. I'm already bringing food to work to save money and arrgghhh.....I have doubts about OT. If the project starts, I'll be staying till 11 or 12 and these people can work till 2am on sundays!! I need some serious thought.

I'm going to quit snacking at work. If i'm gonna eat so much just to stay awake, i'll be walking out of here with the fattest ass. I'm starting today. Call me the cold turkey. hehe! Determination!

Sometimes I do think my feet are either blessed or well....i wouldn't say cursed. I don't know how to describe it. Yesterday I wore my Rivers boots to work and I made a huge mistake of wearing ankle socks instead of the normal ones. A piece of leather was scraping against the area above the heel and thus, the result of exposed flash. Yes, I was in pain but I didn't show much of it. *Girls have a higher tolerance of pain*

I'm getting accustomed to the working life. Get to see the same friendly faces especially Uncle Bob!! But he now appears once in a while. I have to take the lift down to use the fourth floor restroom because of friday's situation where a girl was stuck in the cubicle, the door is badly damaged and the other cubicle has a major flushing problem. Really work your arms out...

We got our first major exercise but it's still part of training. Supposed to follow a template, come up with animations according to the scripters and actionscripting. AARgrgrghhh!! Back to the panadol and eyedrops routine. Shih han has to work OT again. He has definitely build up a reputation in the company and as for the rest of us, we very well be considered as the low profiles which is a good thing. Big bosses stop by to talk to him and we just lay low. Kinda interesting actually. And the daily dosage of snacks and sweets just to keep ourselves awake, it'll be amazing if I don't get diabetes by the end of the attachment.

Been reading blogs of friends who went to brisbane...I really can't imagine me being there to survive the China Bitches. Now they certainly have build up a reputation among the DMMT students. They are really crap and definitely shame to the female species.

Bought seventeen magazine...the fitness part kinda caught my eye. I'm pretty game on working to get a lean bod. Interesting part was when our computers blanked out on us (twice today) and had nothing to do. Shih han and i sat down and browse through the magazine. Kinda fun to listen to his comments and even saying that Zeren and him should be in the mag instead of a couple of guys. It's like getting the 'male' side of the female issues yet he still reads about the girl stuff. Hmmm....very interesting. HAha!

I'll sleep early tonight cos tomorrow I'll wake up a little early to make my 'lunch' for tomorrow. Not eating out for lunch for one day can actually save quite a bit. May make this an alternate day issue. Have to save up to get my phone since my sis would rather spend her bonus on getting the same phone earlier than me. Just because i wanted the phone, she was pretty jealous. Practically took back her words of using the bonus to buy me the phone as my belated birthday gift. Sigh....I rather depend on myself. Okie dokie.

Claire signing off....

The weekend is here! The weekend is here!! But I'm still suffering....

I had BK two days straight and i'm having the sore throat. Really puts me off for eating. We're supposed to start proper work next week but the office is tied up with another new project. Have to entertain ourselves again. Boring! But I'm thinking of getting back to sign language. I stopped for a while. But it'll be cooler if I have someone to practise with. It's really interesting and useful.

Been giving names to people in the office. We only know a small bunch of peeps but the rest, pretty much alien. Zeren and I have been giving names. It's hilarious especially Uncle Bob! Seems like a cool guy but he sure need to cut down on his hourly smoking. He's polluting our area!

One funny story was a woman got trapped in the bathroom. Heard she was stuck there for like half an hour and the guys tried to break down the door...something like that. I actually used the same cubicle earlier on. Lucky me!

Anyway, time to catch up with some ol' friends and get some sleep. This weekend, I'm gonna work on getting that lean bod.

"Thou shall be a walking zombie tonight and forever more till the end of hardship..." by Claire Wee
 
Right now I'm dreaming of being in some beach, laying under the sun as the water rushes in. Sounds real good. Swimming is now considered as a luxury to me. Having being able to soak and stress out those tired muscles. Laying out under the hot sun is very relaxing especially last saturday's swim. I could sleep there.
 
Speaking of sleep, I nearly fell asleep while taking a shower. Weird eh? Action scripting is a killer but I'm slowly getting a hang of it, understanding the logic behind it. 16 weeks later, thou shall be an expert in flash. I'm trying to be independent now, to refrain from asking for help. It does seem like I'm a burden to some of my friends but I'm slower in absorbing flash. I'm still determined to figure it out all on my own.
 
Mondays are formal days and looks like I'll be suffering from it. I wear heels for formal and since my feet are deformed, it didn't take to it very well. The upper soles of my foot are swollen and painful which results in the proper shoes on tuesdays. It seems to be worse this week. Somehow I do wish my feet were normal....
 
When I visited the rest room today, the environment seems more beautiful there than my comp. I've been staring hard at screen to figure out codes. Sigh.... Panadol and Eyedrops are my vitamin C now. I get headaches almost everyday now. Thank God when I spoke to Julianna, she said she didn't get OT.  Wonder how Alan handles the pressure everyday.
 
One thing strange about Litespeed, I actually met Julianna before. She's my friend's friend and a senior from DMMT. It's pretty cool and my facilitator is Abel's church friend. Coincidence. Now, most of them are on leave from the deadlines. I think another one is coming up pretty soon. Can't wait for my next swim now... 

Tonight I'm feeling the 'Screw the world' attitude. Had a bad day, can also say a bad week. My eyes are about to pop anytime soon. I stare at screens all day and it hurts.

My throat is sore from eating too much fried food, having pratas in two consecutive nights and I'm catching a cold from running thru the rain. It was pretty heavy and we didn't have any umbrella. Was freezing in the office, even though I tried to warm myself by using the hand dryer in the toilet.

A friend said something to me and I'm starting to feel like I'm in my friend's shoe. I get it, Siti. What he said, threw me back into my own world. Running away from reality. Thoughts flowed through and I was in my quiet state. It's like I didn't feel like talking at all, like I'm not living. I took the train back and I kept staring at the ground. Took the bus with not much problems. I feel so numb and my sub-consiousness is helping me find my way home. Then my sister walks in the door, started her nonsense again. I just realised she thinks so highly for herself and I'm the complete opposite. She sticks her nose up there, while my eyes are looking at floors. She pushes people while I push myself.

I really wish that I could be like Sue Thomas, deaf. Complete silence in one's life seems so nice. Just close your eyes and instant peace. No noise can drag you away. She's got her dog, Levi to keep her company. He's always there when she or anyone is down. Bad part about the situation, can't listen to music. I may not have a dog who gives you little kisses, snuggles and so called 'hugs' but I've got Finn and Fievel. Despite how little and naughty they are, I'm so happy to see them after a day's work. Somehow I realised Finn changed abit, he seems tamer when he's around me. He enjoys being snuggle up in my T-shirt. Maybe he knows what I'm feeling.

Somehow I wish my dad was here, he won't be back till monday. Maybe a good cry would help. Tears are already falling. Pressure is slowly letting out....

I'm pretty tired after today. It's the third day and it's starting to become intensive. They're supposed to be training us for two weeks. More flash. At the moment, they're getting us to exercise on graphics, coloring and animation. I'm slowly getting good at this but letting the creativity sink in to create a character, it ain't easy. You have to pull out what you have seen or heard to let it affect on what you want to do. It's tough. It's pushing the brain to the limit but pushing the eyes further.

Like I said, this is only the third day and I've got less than 17 weeks left. Most of my friends are quite fortunate and the most interesting thing is, my friend Keying is jealous of our attachment. Girl, I rather be in australia. Zeren and Hanz agree with me.

Somehow with this whole flash thing, it may be for education. Cartoons and all but somehow you learn more than that. It's about how you're gonna apply to the whole 2D animation concept. Well, action scripting will come soon and we'll see how it goes.

Today I took a different bus back. Waiting for 315 is way too long. I reach home almost 8 and I decided to risk taking 70 back. You know what, I reach home about 20 minutes earlier even though I have to walk more. I say I rather be home earlier to chill out and give my hammies hugs and kisses. I'm so happy to see them when I get home. They're my little darlings.

Here I am in the office - awaiting more instructions. More torture of Flash. Nah, they wanted us to do some character animation by ourselves and I've finished mine. And they seemed to be busy themselves too. So far, it's been alright. First day, we spent like 3 hours listening to their training and briefing. We didn't have internet access for a while and I'm so thankful for it when we got it! We can wear jeans but we're supposed to observe what they wear this whole week. I already feel overdressed today with the working pants and heels. To top it off, I cut my hair almost a week ago and it seriously sucks! It's like a mop on my head. It's too thin and I miss my long hair!! I know I keep saying this but I'm so gonna grow my hair long! I'll try to beat my longest record. It better be long after these 17 weeks.

It was great reading the blogs of my friends in Queensland. It's like I kinda miss them. How's everyone who is having attachment?

I didn't manage to finish some design work before the attachment starts. Looks like I have to make use of the weekends. After spending hours looking at the comp, I don't wanna look at my own comp at home. No chatting, no catching with friends online. :(

I actually prefer doing projects in school until eight than work. Somehow it's definitely more meaningful and stuff.

Not too long ago, I spoke with my aunt in Finland. She would like me to visit her over there after poly. I was telling her about how my dad and sis want to plan my future for me. I'm gonna put my foot down when the time comes. They can live in australia but I'm gonna stay here even though i'll go over to study for a few years. I got my friends here, the food and surprisingly, I'll actually appreciate the singapore transport system. ????

Could somebody please explain the meaning of 'Honesty is the best policy?'

Senario: I go out with one of my friends. Her boyfriend decides to join us. I feel uncomfortable but what the heck? Then someone comes along and says to me 'Your friend is not afraid that you will steal her boyfriend?' Anger fills me and when I snapped, that someone close claims it's only a joke and why should i get worked up about it. The way she put it, it doesn't sound like a joke to you.

That senario happened a long time ago. Everyone is going around saying that it's good to be honest. Until secondary school, it was when I learn to give my two cent. My side of the story. My perspective. What I think. I can be blunt without a doubt I know.

This whole wedding dinner was not my idea. I was forced to go. I would love to stay at home and watch the amazing race, rather than attend some dinner. So I say the food suck and my mom comes down on me for saying that. What? Am I supposed to shut my critical tongue and just nod that everything is perfect. 'Oh! It's good! Who's the chef? I want this food for my wedding too!' Bullshit.

I'm surrounded with touchy people in the family. My mom, dad and my sis. I tell myself all the time that I don't want to be them. Cos I know it's not my nature. They are petty, quick-tempered and don't even notice their behaviour or reaction. It's stupid! Utterly crazy and no doubt, pointless. So I have to shut my freakin' mouth up to please them. So much for telling the truth. I'm not Jim Carrey from Liar Liar to tell everyone that everything is perfect. Hey, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm ok with anything. If I'm all that, I'm not human. I was given the right to be an individual when it comes to thinking, to saying what I want and have to say. It may be a remark but there's a limit to my words. I don't push far. Food sucks. Just two words and it went some place in my mom to tell me off. Telling me that I have expectations for food. Who doesn't? I told her, some cousins and aunts that I can't appreciate the cocktail food at the reception itself. They enjoy it but I don't. So what? People have different tastes. Face it.

One thing I know for sure - I do not want to be like my sister. I wouldn't want to study in the same school as her overseas. Everyday I view her character and the way she treats people. She may think the world of herself but sometimes you have to look down at reality. What's the point in pushing your nose higher into the clouds, pretending she's all that? Don't get me wrong. My family are great people but when they get uptight, they never fail to hold back their critical tongue. They go on and on and on and I shut myself up. I don't want to argue with them unless they push it. That's a seldom thing. Like my friend Siti said in one of my testimonials, when Claire is quiet, it's usually when she's stressed or angry. I'm glad to know that my friend understands me better than my family in that area.

My breakfast - oreos dipped in milk.
Physical Status - Body feels like it got beaten up.

I survived through the wedding dinner! Yes! Even though I'm the fattest among my female cousins which really sucks and my hair looks like a freakin' mop cos I had it cut once again before the wedding. It has so much wax in it. It's my first western wedding dinner. Overall, the soleminsation was nice. Was held in the Arches Sentosa. I was standing with my older cousins and celebs while my mom, aunts and little cousins were running here and there to get a better look. I shake my head to that. Speaking of celebs, let me rate them.

Terence Chao - This guy has got style. Dressed in a white shirt, black suit. I say he qualifies as a Lex Luther literally. He carries himself well and after the dinner, he raced out in his black, sleek BMW sports.

Alan Tern - Voted as 'he's not what you think' person. He smokes, dresses in a t-shirt and jeans. He may be a looker but a freakin' ah beng if you ask me. Likes to yum sam all the time.

Florence - Voted most fake person. Though she got that slimming endorsement thing going, she had a V-shaped cleopatra fringe and her heels much be 6 inch or something. Yikes! Looks like she just came out of Egypt.

The food sucks. It's supposed to be some 'fine' cuisine but the service sucks. Started eating at 9+ and my aunts and uncles were like looking at the pasta and saying 'eh! Kway Teow!' I shake my head at that too. My aunts and uncles can be really 'kiasu'. Drink all! Eat all! Duh. It's about how you carry yourself. Apparently, not that well.

As family, we were sitted in one of the 5 tables downstairs next to the kitchen, storeroom and toilets and everyone gets to go upstairs cos we're not big enough. I'll say there were alot of complaining going around. Most of my relatives can't apprecicate the food. Lucky for me was I sat with one of my guy cousins. Able to talk to him. In actual fact I was listening more. He used to be a waiter in Sheraton Hotel and he keeps telling me what everything went wrong at night. Thankfully, the night ended and I kinda like my new 'cousin-in-law'. He's cool. Another wedding dinner in November...

Went to school in the morning and I'm working with two malay girl on the same project! Yipee! 5 days and alternate saturdays and being paid the bare minimum 400. Hope this job better be good.

Anyway, I decided to get an mp3 player with radio and buy a normal camera phone - Samsung 410 maybe. Oh yeah! Anyway, I need to wake myself up. I feel so light-headed.

Farewell to Liuyong, Mick and Ke Ying. Won't be seeing them for a couple of months and I hope everything goes well for them over there. Miss ya guys!

Shopping. One of the dangerous indulgence. I'm a victim of it today. Though it was in the heartlands, I bought two skirts, a dress, two tops, a wallet, foundation and I'll leave it as that. The intial trip was just to get foundation cos I'm clueless on how to use the whole face powder, liquid foundation, powder foundation thing. So the best way was just get L'Oreal Chasmere. It's like a 3-in-1 thing which works for clueless people like me. To think I'm a girl. *roll eyes*

I finally put together an outfit for the 'boring to be' wedding dinner. Black top, black skirt, black shoes and my favourite part, I get to wear my punk belt!! Hahaha! I love my punk belt! I would wear black nail polish but I ain't got any and no money to splurge. My mom wanted to me to wear a dress for the darn thing but I told her that it's bad enough that I'm going so don't push it. Anyway, she's all for the punk belt thing. Muuhahaha!

I did buy one of those emergency simple black dress for any occasion. It's a tube with a piece of cloth which acts as a halter. I have a slight problems with tubes so I'm thankful for that piece. I intend to wear that for the other wedding dinner. I would rather dress up for that one cos it's more well-prepared and everyone knew about it last year. Another bonus is, I like their family. They're good people.

After the whole thing, my heart aches. I so need to save up money and pay my mom back. She's paid alot of my stuff (I paid some too!) I wanted to give my first pay from attachment to her but I don't think it'll be enough now that I'm working in Little India. Transportation in Singapore is simply too ex! Hiaz...well, thou shall comfort thyself that these are 'long-term' investments.

There's one question on my mind...have I change so much physically? I went to Junction 8 - a place bound to meet people from PL. I saw two of my friends and I smiled at them. They looked at me strangely like who on earth is this person. Haven't seen them for more than a year. It's happened a lot when i see my secondary school friends on the streets. Yikes! I didn't even go for extreme makeover or something...

I got Avril's new album! yeah! I've got the calling! yeah yeah! The corrs too but the calling and avril are like the main priority on my list. So...I'm enjoying every single track of it. The Calling is still as sweet sound as ever and Avril...She's collaborating with Chantal Kreviazuk...that explains the same sound as hers. But the rock chic is still there. Now I want spiderman soundtrack. When the credits of Spidey came, the voices of Dashboard Confessional comes in and I knew it!

Got free tickets to watch Spideman! Ohmigosh! It truly as lived up to the 5 stars in the Life paper. So much depth and unexpected plots and if I go on and on about what I learn, I'll sound like a maniac. A.I. shall never take over human intelligence! It's a gift and privilage. I say watch it! watch it! Then we'll talk about it.

I found out where I'll be working. I'll relieved that I'll be working with 5,6 people from school. Shih han, Zeren, Darlena and I can't remember the rest. We'll be dealing with primary school education. Well, my dad said that I can now enjoy pratas everyday now. Haha...i'll be sick in less than a month.

Keying, Mick and Liuyong will be leaving for aus real soon. I wish I was going but I think I've spent enough of my parents' money. Save it for the degree. Wish them all the best and enjoy themselves!! It's aus! Get to lay back abit!

As for the phones, I'll keep an eye on the Nokia 6230, Sony Ericsson K700 and I'll keep looking on for Pantech. I figured it'll be great to have everything in one phone but then the memory would be a problem. Might invest in a Philips mp3 player later on.

That's all for tonight. I'll be chilling back to the voice of Alex Band now. Hmmm...actually I sense the trend with guys playing pianos these days. I'll keep a lookout.

PS: Watch Spiderman!!

I'm on a handphone search! Yups! Firstly I'm eyeing on Nokia 6230 then my friend comes and tell me wait for the 6230i. Basically the important thing for me is to have mp3 player and FM radio inside. May it be Sony Ericsson or Nokia. By the way, I love the Samsung SGH-D410 but it doesn't have what I want. I'm eyeing on Pantech and I'm not sure whether it's available here. Please recommend me a phone.

As for cameras, I'm willing to work real hard for the years to invest in a professional camera. I have to scout and save up. Eyeing either on canon, nikon or fujifilm. Want to be able to capture motion and sharp pictures. There's so many things I would like to have. At the moment, I can only dream and work hard to make them come true.