I feel ten times fresher and happier after i told myself that i should let go for this guy. Somehow, I just get over this stuff quite quickly. I'm surprised by this one. Even though occasionally I get thoughts of him, I just brush it off. Somehow, it's like I can take a deep breath and smell the fresh air around me. Boy does it feel good!!

Especially with the assignments all done, yes it's done!! I feel the burden has lifted off me. Now my back is killing me for sitting almost a day straight in front of the comp to get the flash design done. I just loaded up to deviantart but i can't seem to see anything. Some can and some can't. Wonder why. Right now my back feels like bolts and screws are popping out and i have to do some weird position to get them back into place. That's what happens when you have loose joints. It has its advantages and its disadvantages. I wish I take up yoga or even better, should have taken up gymastics as a kid so i can do all sorts of weird stretching. Now with a swollen tendon (an old ailment from 'O's), I have to constantly arch my back to the max. Yes, I know I'm weird. Doc diagnosed me as having loose joints....what to do?

I received great news that my hair dresser wants my mom to help look after her newborn baby girl. Great news it's because finally my mom has someone to keep her company and she's earning money at the same time. One thing, I know my mom and she feels like she's not up to it. I've known her to stick to her own ways and never open up to a different environment or simply a change. My dad, sis and I encouraged her to take up this job so that she could somehow learn something out of it and crawl out of her shell. I think it'll be cool to have a baby in the house so that I can play big sister since I'm the youngest. My dad and sis already knows that with this baby around, I'm going to spoil her. I think so too. Haaha! Anyway, my mom is using her flu as an excuse for the hair dresser to come. She couldn't sleep last night thinking about the responsibility. Even though, it'll be troublesome with the crying, waking up and diapers...I know that something good will come out of it - for all of us.

A couple of minutes ago, I came to a painful decision which was to give up someone I liked. It's been a while since we talked. I don't know if he's busy or just plainly avoiding me for what I do or believe in. I wouldn't know. This decision was running through my head over and over again and I thought that it might be the best thing. I mean, it's no use if someone you care about doesn't respond to you. I may be blessed with some many other things but not in relationships. I'm unlucky not to be cut out for it so pretty much goodbye to him. God had worked in mysterious ways for the both of us but maybe there's a limit to it. Unlike the previous one which took two hours to get over, I think it'll take a long while to get over this one and move on. It's been more than a year and therefore, I did leave part of my heart with him but I didn't give him my whole which I'm glad. Last night, I left a message and no reply. No point going on. I give up.

CANI is finally over...yes! After days of waking up at 6 and leaving at 8.30pm, the work has paid off....partly. I really felt that this is one bad piece of animation. It was already a miracle for me that we were able to finish the piece by wednesday and present it. After seeing the other groups, compared to them, ours is simple...too simple. They were able to plan their time and arranged things properly while we were buying for time and it wasn't enough. Even the comments from the lecturers said it all. There are some good animation and some bad animation. There are some good camera angles and some bad camera angles. It'll be a blessing if I even managed to get a 'B' for the overall module.

Then came the choosing of electives. One more elective just came in, Advance Authoring. Better version of DEUI with more scripting and again, I was at the state of confusion. Should I drop AAUP for AAUT? Logically speaking, flash can be learn on your own but it depends whether you have the drive for it. It's either that or you don't. My friends were pretty hesistant about Advance Animation maybe because after going through CANI, they don't want a similar situation to happen to them. Personally, I don't mind the hard work and I like animation. The process of making it happen may be a torture but watching the end results surpass all the troubles. Another friend said that it's not like she's going to pursue in ACAN cos there's no future. I feel that animation is just starting out in Singapore. It has already been a trend in the US but Singapore is taking things at a slower pace. I just say, have faith. There's a need for every skill in different industries.

Crowbar awards...hmmm...I know I shouldn't discouraged myself but it's the truth that my works are not good enough. I don't get praises from the lecturer nor I don't get 'A's. I'm just working hard at reaching the standard and I feel like I haven't reached it yet. So Crowbars are crossed out from my list but though, I'm thinking of doing a small animation. Wonder how that would turn out to be....

Anyway, I'll be handing in my overseas internship form. It's really hard filling in the blanks especially thinking of my weaknesses. It's just so hard to come up with your personal negatives even though, stubborn and clumpsy fits into the slot just perfect but it wouldn't work for a form like that. Then came help from my family and friends. 'Reserved at times', Tendacy to get too engrossed in work' and 'Indecisive'. Yes, yes and....yes. People would know my weakness better than I do.

Btw, I stayed away from contacting him for almost two weeks. Somehow, each day, I feel better and more confident. Somehow, I already have this feeling that things won't work out. Having him as a friend is good enough. It's still hard for me understand how I can get over this kind of stuff easily than others. Maybe it's because I haven't fallen hard or tried hard enough to feel anything. I still remember the time where i was a rebound and after i realised about his girlfriend, i was sad for like two hours and i thought clearly and moved on. Kinda weird right? Maybe for this one, it'll be longer...i don't know how long though.

Here's me signing off with another journal full of crap.

After today, I have accomplished my minor goal of keeping away from one week. In actual fact, I plan to extend it. I feel kinda better during this period. I was disciplined and I was away keep him outta my head. I'm so proud of myself. Another reason is that I have more important things to worry. Yes, assignments.

This is the first time I've overshot an assignment. I regretted not organising my time properly and I spent too much time in modelling instead of animating. But now the biggest worry is the rendering. It can take up to days if the systems are screwed up. I'm putting my foot down on certain stuff now cos our grades matter at the moment. Already I received a high C in web design. I'm not going to jepordise another project. As for web design, I'm putting in all my effort into the exam to score and prove that I can do it.

I was reading the papers about stress and they had a list of the symptoms. As I read, every word started to sound familiar to what I was having. Forgetfulness, mental blocks, lack of sleep, loss of appetite, lack of self confidence, having a sense of no hope and weak. Yes, I have to admit that I have all of the above. I've been noticing it myself too. I'm known to covered up what's going on inside of me. I'm good at it. Sometimes I can't balance myself, literally as in standing and I would place myself as being clumpsy. I forget the little things and I nearly forgot my sister's birthday. My stomach has already trained itself to eat little because I'm always so caught up in work that I forget to eat. I have little faith in myself especially with the 'him' thing. But now I don't care about him. But there's one thing I'm grateful, I have my friends to keep me sane. 3 more assignments and by the end of this week, the greatest burden of school will be lifted off my shoulders.

There's is one more dilemma. The overseas internship. So far, I don't know whether it's an opportunity or something which I shouldn't take up. My sis is all in against it. I don't know is it because she's into her jealous mode or just concerned. One semester in QUT, Queensland. Then back to SP for final year project and back to QUT for 2 more semesters to get my degree. Three modules instead of four. A lot of people are applying for it and my dad is encouraging me to go for it. I guess the only thing that is pulling me is that I would miss here. My weekly swims with my friend, the food, my computer, my friends and home. I do tell myself that I have to prepare myself to be independent and already my parents are talking to me like I'm going. I haven't even submit in the form and how sure I can get in cos there's many people applying. Although I may be B average, there are those with better grades. Sigh...I just pray that God can guide me and help me get through this rough period.

One assignment and three more to go. Plus another test. Today seemed to be going just fine but the ending wasn't too good. In fact, quite bad. Let's talk abt the good part, then the nasty part. Came to school at eight and finally, my friend and I have overcome IWED. Great thing for us and we finished more than an hour before the deadline. We had lots of help and we're darn proud of it. Yipee!

Bad part...Remember I mentioned I missed him? I still do and I feel like giving up on him again. I messaged five people happy easter msgs and only one didn't reply. That's right...him. It's kinda like after a bad experience from Spike, that I developed a fear that I scare people away, especially guys. I don't know which part of me scares them off but I just knew that after I went out with Spike, I had a communication breakdown...nothing serious, just silent treatment. Weeks after, he's back with his girlfriend. I was the rebound. One bad experience leads me to fear that it would always happen to me. Now here he is.

Today, he walked into the lab where I was and he bolted really fast. Two possibilities: I was there or he walked into the wrong lab. Anyway, why would he be on the 5th floor? It's mostly DMMT and DIT labs. Slight pain striked my heart but I try my best to suppress it. Then his friend, a girl. I usually smile to those people I've talked to in school or at least seen them so often that it's hard not to acknowledge. She looks at me in distain and the first thing that comes to my mind is that she's thinking 'I can't believe this girl!'

It may not be what she's thinking but she has the glaring eyes to send the signals to back off or something. I guess I would. I would let things be for as long as I can. A week is the minimum. I shall not catch myself, thinking abt msging him. I don't wanna screw things up. After all, I'm a pretty screwed up person. What good is to happen to me?

Then I went to buy a Body Shop moisturiser and had a 10% discount. My sis comes down saying that she has a $20 voucher and I could have paid $1.90. Sucks. Here I am, trying to save money for the 2K I spent last year. Darn it!

Back at home, my sis throws her pink shirt into the whites bucket and my white shirt was inside. It's a thin shin of pink. Oh boy! I love that shirt. As you can see, I'm having a bad ending to the day but I'm still gotta move on and try to get rid of that bugger in my head. Entrepreneurship test tomorrow. That's my main priority. Discipline comes in now. So study time!

Finally a day where I can relax and wake up a little later. This week has been way too harsh for me. Trying to handle the assignments and worried about the people around me. It's been a week since I've spoke to someone. I missed him already and I've been feeling like that a few days. Although I saw him 2 days ago, it felt odd cos of his friend. I may appear as some extra to her.

The swim today was very different. It was so hard to swim although there were not many people around. People just kept swimming sideways instead of laps. A lot of zig zagging and we ended up sitting up even there's no sun. Talked to my friend about life especially relationships. She's one person that I can count on for advice and she really pushes me to take chances. She does it all the time! But anyway, she's the first person who I told her about how I feel and who I am. Maybe I should write it here. She misses her ex and I miss him. It may sounds insane even though we're just friends. I still remember after the movie last week, he just asked whether I had anything to say to him. My heart just stopped there as if I did something wrong. It was unexpected and I just asked him whether am I supposed to say anything else? He said that I look like I have something to say to him. I just left it as that but he said that if I wanted to talk, I could always look for him. Sometimes he's such a dear. But one week...man! I try to push him outta my head, but he comes back stronger. I force myself to think about my assignments. It's one way to get him off my head. It's only 85% effective.

Back to my friend and I...I told her that I'm actually consious of my surroundings about what people do. It's like they are judging me for what I do or say. It's paranioa but compared to secondary school and now. It's sober down a lot but a part of it comes back and haunt me. It's partly the reason why I hardly take chances and that's partly why I haven't experience anything special or fulfill anything in my life.

A couple of days back, I spoke to my friend about our birthdays since we share the same birthday. She was talking about how little we have accomplished in our 20 years. We may have done well in school and all but does it mean much to the heart? Nope. It's just education and it's something to keeps you going in life.

I feel so lost now. Passion of Christ has opened up my eyes and with all of these going on, I'm simply lost. I'm pushing myself to the limits now. I need to get these thoughts outta of my head. *Sigh.... my heart is troubled. I'm in trouble.

Yesterday, I was given the privilage of watching the controversual 'The Passion of Christ'. I watched it with a couple of people from City Harvest and I could tell that they were much more excited that I was. I was interested in what went on and the visual effects. I wanted to see how painful the movie was. It proved its message.

There I sat in the small theatre, with groups of people. I could hear their yelps, sobs, cringing....almost every single saddest emotion came out. The most gruelling parts were the whipping of Jesus and the crucification. People have warned me that the movie was sure to make you tear. The oddest part was I wasn't filled with sadness. I was filled with anger, frustration and lots of 'whys' popped into my head. Why did this have to happen? Why when one priest says something, the people follow? In my heart, I felt like smacking the guards who tortured him. Give them a taste of their medicine. But the Bible told us not to feel vengeful. So I just have no idea what to think.

Too much blood filled the entire the movie that a girl who sat beside me had to run outside and it took about half an hour for her to come back in. I would agree with the four stars with the Arch Bishop. It's totally re-living the 12 hours and you're there, feeling the pain along with Jesus.

After the show were questions. I wouldn't say that it was life-changing but it made me think - alot. A friend came up to me and asked about how I felt about the movie. Asked questions about life. I'm guilty to say that I haven't left time for myself to think about my future. My answer was only that I'm happy with what I have. I didn't want to be great cos I feel that it doesn't suit me. All along, I have been part of the minority. Soft-spoken people who were stigmatised to be left alone. I feel that way. I don't know why. Somehow after all these madness, I need to spend some time alone to think about all of this. Another part of me wants to know more about what happened in the Bible.

The same friend asked me whether it would change my mind about going to church every week. I feel that church is a place of worship where reverends preach about life and all. It's good to listen to those once a week. But personally, I feel that what's important is that you believe and love the Lord. Going to church doesn't mean you're religious. what matters is the heart. Wherever my dad goes, I'll follow. The Lord is in my heart, no matter what.

So now, I gotta handle some pressure and the Lord is helping me through. Whatever it is, I know I have someone with me.