Since the beginning of this semester, my friends and I have been observing how well the lecturers know our names. When it comes to marking attendance, they just look at us and mark us present. It's like the lecturers know us well.

Then today, I begin to wonder about the attention I get in poly compared to the attention back in secondary school. Like today, I just lay my head on the table, not sleeping. It's a rare move of mine but the cold atmosphere made it seem so comfortable. Vairam, the infamous lecturer who called me Carol by mistake, suddenly called my name in front of 160+ students in the lecture theatre.

'Claire, do you have any question?'

I shook my head.

'Claire is falling asleep which is a bad sign for me. If Claire falls asleep, it means the lecture is really boring.'

I kept my eyes forward, not wanting to reply back the other eyes from all directions. Then Fyan had to shout 'Claire, dont' sleep ah!'. I could strangle that guy. *roll eyes*

This is the second time Vairam has singled me out this week. First was on tuesday. I tend to surf the net while doing my practical. As my work station is right at the end, he wouldn't know what i'm doing. I'll usually follow the instruction sheet and do the practical on my own. Then the computer hung on me and I had to restart. This happened twice until I gave up on surfing and decided to concentrate on the practical. Then when my classmates computers hung at the same time, Vairam walked around to check on the comps to make sure things were alright. He checked with me and I said I had no problem.

'See everyone! Claire here is a good girl. Not surfing or checking her email. Just doing her practical!' he announced to the entire class. I shrunk into my seat, knowing that i wasn't a good girl. I was surfing the net ten min ago like everyone did.

I wouldn't have got this attention back in secondary school. I was an average girl, practically the unknown. The type that the popular people would simply pass you as vapor. I never had much of the attention except in my own class. Other than that, none. Even when I went out, guys would look past me as well.

Coming in poly changed my life. It opened me up and gave me the chance to express myself and discovered hidden talents I never knew I had. Master the talents that were average. It gave me the confidence to try new stuff. First, it was coloring my hair, then experimenting with clothes. But I was still the same ol' Claire inside. I was so used to the 'little attention' that when I got more attention, it felt weird. Very weird.

I get looks from guys and I make new friends. It's a complete different environment compared to secondary school. I get to be myself instead of trying to fit in. Like in the movie 'What a girl wants', why try to fit in when you're born to stand out. I've watched that movie 5,6 times and I live by that motto. As for the attention given by the lecturers, i dont' know abt that one. It could be good or it could be bad. Or maybe it's because my groupies and I are pretty 'outstanding' in school that even other people notice us. One malay, one chinese, one indian and one eurasian. They're the best of friends in poly and I'm proud of them.

I scratch my head and asked myself,"Wait a min! Did I just had the best Chinese new year ever?" Yup, I did. This is an extremely unusual thing. *scratch head*

I remembered last time during chinese new year, I played with my cousins. Slowly each of them grew up and chinese new year wasn't so fun anymore. I would dread to go to my Grandma's place after that. I would sit one side and be the quiet one...in fact, the quietest. No joke.

You can sorta consider me as the 'middle' kid in the family. My cousins are either too old or too young. The cousin before me is 4 yrs older and the cousin after me is 5 yrs younger. Pretty difficult to click and talk at the same frequencies.

I remember in the past few years, I would try anything to get out of it. Best one was falling sick and it turned out to be worse than anything else. I totally didn't enjoy myself.

This year, I went into chinese new year without any slight hint of plan in getting out. I just went with the flow and was determined to be myself. Last night, it was the best among all the years. With a drama, I'm not complaining but I'll get to that later.

After dinner, I sat around the uncles and my dad and listened to their army and politician talk. It was interesting and the uncles didn't really pay attention to me but I just listened. The only person who paid attention to me was my good old dad. I didn't say anything cos I wouldn't know what to say. I'm a girl and I'm not from the army. If anyone was wondering why I was sitting with them, heck to what they're thinking.

Then I proceeded to the room where my sis and 2 of my cousins were there. Started having a little conversation and slowly everyone escaped to this little room where soon, it'll turn into a great place. I didn't want to go anywhere. I wanted to stay there and listen to each of what everyone had to say.

The older cousins talked about the olden days with my great grandma. According to them and my aunts, she was a tough nut to crack. She passed on when I was way too young. Stories rose among the older cousins who stayed with her. They had their little games and they talked about the old house, the scary old house. It was great listening to all of these until uncertainty came in.

My 15 yr old cousin was with us in the room and since young, she's a little slow and she's an attention seeker. My uncle (her dad) walked in to see what's happening and she turned around saying why isn't he in the kitchen washing the dishes. Talk about disrespect. He just mentioned why she didn't help instead and she stormed her foot on the ground and the loudest yell came out of her mouth. Then she burst into a cry that only a 4 yr old was capable of. All of us were stunned in the room. Silence for a second. This led to another batch of 'child abuse' stories.

Yup...we were talking about how our parents discipline us when we were young. We got the cane, belt, clothes hanger and all. All the punishments and the whackings we got. It was to teach my younger cousin that we've been through a much rougher time than she has. Sadly, it didn't get to her how she lucky she is. It's gonna take a lot to get through her but it's hard.

Not forgetting, we were worried about grandma. How aunt and my younger cousins have been treating her. It's sick, I tell ya. There was also a mini lobang mart. Trying on clothes that belonged to each other. My older cousin could wear children's clothes. That's how small she is. Woah! *envy*

I was doing a lot more listening than talking but I had a blast. We're even planning on a part two on sunday for my younger cousin's (another cousin) birthday. 12 yrs old. Wow! I guess I do learn something from this experience. In the past few years, I never gave myself or the occasion a chance but this year I did and I'm glad. No wonder my gut feeling came true. A real good gut.

"God has gave us what we need but we tend to go against it." A line that stuck in my head after watching another episode of Sue Thomas.

I never knew that I could learn so much from a deaf person. She inspired me to learn a universal language - sign language. Other than that, she inspires me to be who I am and sometimes people can't accept you for who you are but there are alwasy people who will accept you for who you truly are, not by your handicap.

Everyone has a 'down' point and sometimes more. I have more according to me. I'm alone in my Entrepreneurship class. My usual clique or close friends are in Life Science so I'm flying solo on this one. I had no choice but to ask whether the 'big' family could let me sit with them. I chose not to work with people I knew I had trouble with. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I have a feud with them. I just don't appreciate their working style. Total perfectionists whereas I prefer to enjoy a little fun and some mistakes to learn something new.

The 'big' family gladly took me in and they try their best to talk to me and I do the same. It's not like I'm hard to get along with. Learn something from Tom Cruise which he learnt from his mom. Be nice to people and they'll be nice to you. It works most of the time and that's the habit that I adopted when I came to poly. I could feel like I don't belong to the family but I could feel like I'm a family friend. This is good enough for me and they're a fun bunch of people. So I'm glad that I was given a chance.

As of Sue, an independent woman. I do feel like I'm a bit like her in a way. She doesn't allow people to go further into her personal life for fear that her handicap might affect them. She is a little afraid of opening up to her friends. Same here. It's just that there might be a fear of burden. It would be better to stand up for yourself and keep everything. Then, all would be happy except me. So, this is another thing that I'm trying to do. Open up to friends to lighten up the burden. It's working a little. I have to do it slowly. It's hard but I'll try.

Thank God I have another character to learn from.

Currently, I'm reading a book to help explore the creativity and how to generate inspiration from surroundings. The daily bus ride is not only but self-reflection, now it opens up to the study of others. I think I had enough of myself. This is one of my first cases.

Three old men going for their morning walk. Each of them had their hands on the other's shoulders. It's a simple gesture of bonding. A gesture of many years of friendship. They were friends since they were kids and then they served in the army together. They did almost everything together. They got married and led seperate lives but that didn't stop them from meeting up and going for their regular walks.

This is just a simple experiment in generating a story just by looking at these old men. I hope I'll be able to maintain that kind of friendship with my friends too.

Finally I have a topic to write about today. There's some part of time in our daily lives where we do over react and we just laugh it off as some silly act that we do. Nothing really. But have you experienced people who have over-reaction in their blood or just being pure over-sensitive? Here's my case.

I simply cannot stand people who choose to conform to their way of thinking. They do not have the guts to step out of their box. Even they have denial and they choose to believe what they want, thinking in a different perspective is such a hard thing to do. I say, it's plain cowardness. Like what I learn today, an egoist. Wouldn't it be better if there were more utilitarians around?

Apparently, I know of a person who is like that. She is so touchy and everything you do could be a bad sign. She gets pissed off at every little bit of imperfection and doesn't let it go. It stays in her until she fights it out. It's alright but the matter is so small that it's not even worth blowing up for. It does get me mad that she doesn't let things go. In short, doesn't move on.

She takes in concept and applies it to her life. She doesn't grow with the times and has a hard time accepting parts of the present life. In Singapore, we are adopting trends from all over the world especially the US and Japan. The young has a mind of their own and they passed on the traditional respect and do what they feel is right. I have to admit it that I'm one of them. I have so many influences especially from magazines, TV, movies and the net.

I'm keep whatever comment I have to myself for fear, it'll cause an explosion. Seriously, that is why I can be sometimes quieter at home than in school. In school, I express my comments and have my say. Not at home, it'll trigger off some nuclear weapon that Saddam Hussein has not heard of. But....

Weird thing is that, she makes remarks without even thinking. Remarks that are much worse and a definite shot in the heart, causing hurt. I remembered a time where I went swimming with my friend and her boyfriend wanted to join us. Fine by me. When she heard of this, she said 'Your friend not worried that you might steal her boyfriend ah?'

An immediate stab in my heart. A person who shares the same blood as me has the cheek to tell me that straight in my face. Woah! Someone call 911! Come on, you known me for so long and you think so low of me. She can say that I'm over reacting and tell me that is a joke. There is a limit. A distinct line.

So you see, I usually keep my mouth shut to my open and silly remarks. I try to live by everyone's rules so that everyone is happy. This is the only place where I can say what I wanna say without giving a damn. I have offers from people that it's ok to talk with them. But I choose not to burden them for they think I'm a problem person. So....my lips are sealed till I choose to speak or someone really doesn't mind me talking to them about my problems. Give me a shout out people!

Lastly, I recalled writing about a remarkable woman who has used her disability into a gift. It's like the making something positive out of the negative. Because of her, I have a new goal for myself. Not really a goal. It's just something I want to pick up. Sign language. Yup. Yes, I know no one who is deaf or dumb but it's something that I wouldn't have to say much. Just an action and something unique. I'm learning some basic signs from the tv show and from websites. It's fun and I'm sure that it'll come in handy some day.

I've always thought of myself as someone who is needed only for something. Like teaching Math, copying Math homework or other stuff. Sometimes even teaching and helping out in projects. I know, I think too low of myself. Can't help it. I think the best out of people but not of myself. It's hard to find a good point personally. I find myself talking crap to people but I'm glad to have grown to be more open. Though, I find myself growing quieter in school. I'm learning to be more vocal too. Irony! I want to learn sign language. Haha! I may use it if I choose to keep my mouth shut. Nah!

Today, my friend Siti told me how much she needed me. We worked on the last video project together and we had fun. I was quite surprised that she enjoyed working with me. I figured she rather be with Steph. *scratch head* I didn't know that I was that much fun to be around. Hee!

Anyway, I'm flying solo in entrepreneurship class. All my close friends have chosen life science and I'm forced to adapt to the 'big' family. Thomas was really 'welcoming'. 'This is the first time Claire is working with us cos she doesn't want to work with perfectionist'. Thanks for the intro though. Slowly adjusting and getting to know them better. I do know them and mess around with them sometimes. I just have to see how things go now. Working with different people and all. Till then! I'll try to find a topic and write about it instead of the daily accounts of the boring life of Claire's.

I truly marvel at how a peace maker does his/her job. It's real tough getting caught in the middle. Having both ears blasted by opinions and comments.

Well, naturally this role falls on me. Since secondary school where my close friends have an arguement of their own and suddenly, i'm expected to be their messenger. It's really immature, thinking back about it. Even though I've grown older and mature, I have to handle worse issues. Caught in between the family this time. It's always dad vs mom or mom vs sis. The second combination is the worse one.

My sis is known for her short temper. Every little bit of society irritates her. (Same for my mom) Like yesterday, we were downstairs buying food and it was drizzling. This lady across the road didn't have an umbrella and she had her hand on top of her head. She was patting off the water or something. Then the 'old' genius opens up and says 'Like she can keep dry'.

I have known my sister to put herself in front alot. Even backstab me as the younger sis and claim credit for the hard work, including the latest the Matrix project. She could flirt to get what she wants as well. I'm not putting my sister down. Just trying to get the facts across clearly. She's willing to do stuff and behind my back, she brags and complains. I have to handle most of every bit. That does build up the anger within me and i wonder how much she uses that in the real world out there.

Anyway, with these family clashes, I'm literally caught in between. I choose to ignore but cannot run from it. Sometimes I wish i was deaf. But there is one deaf person i can relate to. Not her handicap, by the way.

Sue Thomas: F.B.Eye. A show inspired by a true story. I admire the independence of this character. She's alone but she makes it well with her colleagues and new-found friends. I'll talk more about it in the next blog.

I had a dream two nights ago. I was praying about God showing me a sign for something before I fell asleep. When I did, I found myself in this place. It seemed like the aviation or warehouse place. There I was walking, looking around. The place was huge and before I could go on, I saw a particular flower on the floor. It looked like a 'touch-me-not' flower but it was softer and small. I looked around the find more of it but I couldn't. The warehouse had all the flowers but none of this pink one.

Then I saw this man. From behind, he looked like an ordinary person selling fruits, wearing a worn out shirt and bermudas. I could even remember his outfit. Red and Grey horizontal stripe shirt with grey pants.

'Uncle? Where can I find more of this flower?' I asked. He turned and I immediately knew he was blind. He opened his palm and asked me to put the flower in his hand. He felt it by touch and told me to follow him. He had more inside the store room.

I did follow him and I was walking through a cold room. Weird thing was, it didn't feel cold. Then he brought me to some clinic. It was such a small room and I realised I had to squeeze through certain equipment. I ended up squatting in one corner and he stood at the doorway. He was mentioning about how he used to be like that and now he's doing something. Suddenly, I was able to stand up and follow him out.

Everything stopped because someone had messaged me. Wow...talking and living the whole thing again makes it much clearer to me now. Was that the sign that God was sending? Was that blind man a part of me or was that God showing me something? Somehow, i have to interpret this dream. I have to know what it means.

First day of school. Woah...I'm feeling both excited and nervous at the same time. But to be more exact, 85% nervous and 15% estatic. First of all, I was worried about what people thought of my hair. Already on sunday in church, I was worried about what my grandma would say. Her eyesight may be better but it's sharp. I did my best to duck during the service but I'm pretty sure she saw me during communion. Yikes! First thing after service, my granduncle stroked my hair and exclaimed 'Wah! Your hair very nice!'. Apparently, the old folks like it. Hmmm...a shock to me. I thought they'll be full of questions but luckily, no. *scratch head*

Nobody really noticed the change in school but I think under light, it was very obvious. Somehow, I didn't know what I was thinking. Man! Anyway, it was so good to see the familiar faces. As usual, I get the bear hugs from Siti. Haha! My other mad counterpart and partner in crime. Missed her man! We always bullied each other and here's another semester for our nonsense to start. Hee!

I was pretty stunned when Jade asked me whether 205 was my boyfriend. Woah! Haven't thought much about the guy and now, I can't stop thinking about him. I always thought that it was because of me that we stopped communicating. Part of it is true. I made it seem a one-sided thing when it comes to expressing interest. It really woke me up after living in denial for almost 2 months. So, I made the first move to messaged him and we talked about a problem of mine through messaging. At one point, he called me but somehow, due to the Singapore connection, the call was cut off. Darn! I was so close to talking to him on the phone. It's alright. One step at a time. I really missed talking to him. I still remembered that he mentioned about not wanting to get into a relationship. Part of that made me take a step back. I really don't know. I haven't told him about my plans after poly. There's not much time and it won't be long when I'll be away.

Me dad told me that after studying in the U, I'll be automatically offered citizenship. I know he wants to move and I'll really miss this place. I don't what the future holds. I hope someone could help me...I watched in one movie about the relationship between this couple. The lady played by the rules of love and it ended up getting messy. The morale of the story was that....there were no rules when it comes to love. It just comes naturally. Love overpowers everything. Well, I don't know whether to consider myself as a beginner in this. But I just hope I know what I'm doing.

Alrighty...the year 2004. At least i don't feel bothered by it as last year's new year. Fresh new start...everything starting from scratch...well at least most of it.

I'm looking forward to school. Seeing all my friends and waiting for all the challenges to be thrown at my face to handle. I wonder what's to come. Weird thing was, i had a dream about something like this. I was in school but it's kinda of a mixture between PL and poly. I was in this course and if you don't do well enough, you'll be eliminated from class. Literally, failing the class and i was living with a bunch of people. Lately, I've been having weird dreams. Man! I'm going nuts!

Looking back at 2003, it was a tough year and especially during these hols, it's been quite tough. I've been doing a lot of self reflection. The people around me and the events that have changed the way i am or just simply opened new doors.

Without fail, i would have to say Lord of the Rings. I have become such a big fan of it. Ok, for the people out there, i'm a late fan. Only started watching full movie 3 weeks ago and i have finished all three films. 2 things that strike me the most about the movie or story.

1. First, the effects was amazingly extraordinary well done. I really take my hat off Peter Jackson. It would be a dream to work on a production with him. It really opened my eyes to further opportunities. His great mind really show in the battle scenes. Excellent work!

2. I really enjoyed the individuality of each character and their relationships. You could see the love between Frodo and Sam and the thought of them being 'gay' will never enter your mind. The loyalty of friendship and just being there. Taught me a true lesson. The relationship between Gandalf and Frodo. It brought back the little memories i had of my grandfather. I didn't know him well and hardly got the chance to talk to him. I really missed him and wish i had a grandfather around to provide me with wise words. Someday, i wish to get to him better up there cos i missed out alot. Love ya, gong gong!

You could be surprise that even this film has taught me some valuable lessons. I mentioned about friendship. Treasuring loved ones who has been there for me. I've decided to open my heart and share problems with them. That's what friends are for...to help you and be there. Meeting up with my old mates was a rewarding experience. We spend some time together and really missed the old days. I had so much fun and they're really my friends for life. I'm already missing them.

I admit to envy my friends and their new loves. It's really sweet and in the midst of the second school term last year, I was angry at myself at why I couldn't find a boyfriend. Someone who could be there for you. After talking to 'experienced' friends, I have slowly learn to understand that you cannot find love. Love will find you and it's a wonderful feeling. You'll know when you're in love because you're falling. Pretty weird analogy right? And I have slowly grown to understand it. Instead, I'm so happy for my friends. Estatic for their new found loves. Thinking about it, it brings a smile to my face. Well, for me, i think if i can't find anyone, well, i could always get a dog. The poor fellow would have to suffer me as a life companion. Haha! I want a golden retriever and retire at a quiet place to write books.

So what do i want for myself this year? Hmmm....definitely to spend more time with my friends. I need to find the time to turn the town upside down with them. Hee! I've been thinking too much about myself and i need to give myself some good therapy. I need to go out and have fun. Try new things and meet new people. I need God's help on that part. I want to do the right things and not end up in trouble.

Practise tolerance, patience and discipline. Yes! I need all three of them. I have to learn how to control what i do in a particular area cos i tend to go over and torture myself. I need to be good to myself so.....discipline! If i can't practise that, i better enrol myself in some martial arts school. Or even travel to china and learn from that famous temple where martial arts is incredibly sacred and special to the people. Even my memory is failing me. Yikes! Signs of growing old.

Ok, enough of that. What else? The patience and tolerance part. Well, i need a limit to that. I have to learn how to channel my frustrations somewhere. I have been known to keep things locked up in myself and i know it's bad for myself. I have even pictured myself suffering from heart disease. I can feel the pain in my heart literally when it goes too far. It's quite close to those heart attacks but i'm lucky that it's hasn't been too bad this second part of the year. i'm so young and i'm getting all this. Bad!

Basically, i just need to be good to myself and not care about what people think. Just learn to open new doors to bring out more of me. I've been taking baby steps and now i need to build up. Oh yeah, i better do as much i can. Next year, i'll be moving to somewhere else to further my studies. Not many people know that but it's a definite decision that i'll be overseas. I have to treasure what i have in less than two years.

I think that'll be enough. Surprisingly, this is the first time i'm smiling from ear to ear. I'm just so excited about what this year has to bring. And to see whether i can accomplish what i've set out for myself. I wouldn't call this resolutions cos they tend to last a really short period. Let's call them goals and see how things go. Happy new year to whoever is reading whatever this crazy gal has to write! Cheers!