There's one thing that I can't stand: I hate to be controlled. I am my own person and I hate to have hands to hold me back on my choices. This is happening more often during these holidays. Therefore, I count the days not to the new year, but to fresh school term.

I marvel at how authority and money could change a person. A person that you love could change into someone that you can't stand being around. Don't get me wrong...she is still a loved one. Given to me by God without a choice cos she bore me.

She doesn't see things from other perspectives but chooses to conform only from her position. She doesn't see the agony that she puts the family through. I once didn't have a side. I was caught in the middle all the time. Now, I have one leg at a side and another in the middle. Every day that passes by, it leans closer to a side opposite her.

I hear stories from others but they are good at telling stories. It's hard to believe them. When the heat isn't up, I'm feel pity for her. But one thing does concern me...what had influenced her? I do agree with my dad. She has changed from a lovable person to a untolerable person. How bad can this be?

Bad, I say. I hate to admit this but I always based ann of my decisions on her. She is a factor that has to be considered. To be more specific, her feelings and thoughts is a must factor. I have made many personal sacrifices for her. I go out with her more often with my friends. I do not stay out late so that it'll shut her up. I still remember the bbq that I was enjoying myself so much and I almost had a time of my life. It was ruin just be a phone call. I was blasted.

I still remember that weekend. It started before the BBQ. I believe that she is in her para-menopause stage and even the book that we had got her to help her get through this stage is left aside for dust to accumulate.

I have no idea what to do. I pray to God for a solution but there is nothing. No sign. The only thing that I can pray for is for me, to adopt a higher level of understanding, patience and tolerance for her. But it hasn't been helping. It's breaking me.

She claims that she doesn't get to go out. No one stops her from doing so. It's all in the matter of choice and a little courage. It wouldn't hurt at all but just a little self-control. If she is able to control the household, why not herself? She believes that going out means spend money. I have gone out and a couple of times, I'm able to come back home empty-handed. Money doesn't have to play such a big part. It's a matter of a need and a want.

Lately, I've been driving towards the rebellion side. I had a blast with my friends yesterday. Catching up with them and we spend almost the entire day together. They even came over and they had fun with the hamsters. I guess the thing that spiced up yesterday's outing was my friend's sister. Just three and yet she sees the world as something big and adventurous. I admire that aspect of her that I wish I had. She just came out and made friends with everyone. A true dear she is.

Just six more days. Half of me wish I had started school already but yet i still want to relax and go out with my friends while i can before school starts. I miss hanging out with them. Now, a new year resolution. To not let her break me...let me be in control of who i am.

After watching Lord of the rings on the big screen, it really inspired another plan or goal of mine. I want to visit New Zealand. Everytime they have this overview shots of the land or the castles, the scenary itself literally takes my breath away. I really wanna be there. It's so peaceful and i get a chance to enjoy a sense of freedom. I want to save up the cash and go there. The place and movie itself has inspired me to take shots of the place and turn it into a piece of artwork. I want to know that it's something that i will accomplish for times to come.

Last night I was watching Lord of the rings: Fellowship of the rings on HBO. Not that I didn't notice but I was able to look and study the faces of the characters. One stood out the most: Gandalf.

I really enjoy watching the relationships between the characters. How close-bonded they are and how they are willing to support and protect each other. Even an elf and a dwarf can get along so fine despite of their differences especially height!

The most memorable scene was when Frodo stood up and volunteered to take the ring to Mordor. The camera zoomed into Gandalf's face where he closed his eyes and open them again, turning to look at Frodo. His face was so gentle and the wrinkles emphasized the gentle Gandalf. It was at that scene, that moment. I realised that I miss my grandfather all of a sudden.

I didn't know the man, nor did he get to know me. When I was old enough to understand things, he was always on the bed, ill with hollow eyes. Tubes were running into his arms and mouth. What I know of him, is through the stories from my dad. I started to miss him. If only he was here, he would have spoiled my sister and I. He would also know how to make things better and he would be the father figure that I miss having around so often.

My dad travels so often that I only get to see him on weekends. Having a grandfather would be the secondary father figure for me. I could go and seek advice from my version of Gandalf. He would know how to take control of things and provide the wise words. I know in the past, he made mistakes. My grandma blames him for them and has not forgiven him until today - even when he has passed. But I believe he'll be something. I would be able to write in stories or surveys that he'll be the person i'll look up to. He'll be the influence of my life.

Weird thing is, I never came close to knowing my other grandfather but I only yearn for this one. My mom's dad passed away before she got married and she hardly speaks of him except that he was a stern man.

The fatherly figure I speak proudly of is my dad's dad. He was a man of honor. The first colonel of singapore. But no one recognised his achievements if not for one mistake. But he led the first national day parade. It was last year's parade when they looked back. There was a 3 second footage of him. 'The old man' - that's what my parents call him.

Sadly, I can find no one to be my secondary father figure. It'll be great if Gandalf was real. Hope you're reading this from up there, 'gong gong'.

True happiness don't come easily to me
I do my best to be happy
But inside, it fails
I am heartbroken
And the pain is excruciating
God, take my pain away
Or even better, take away my heart

I live in this confused world
I'm so messed up
That you can say that I'm like Tom Hanks
Washed up on the shores of a unknown island
Waiting for someone to come for me
Sadly, lonliness is my friend

There's no life in my eyes
It's hidden somewhere
The rain caused it to take shelter somewhere

It's painful for words to come out of my mouth
When they do, they come out wrong
My mind is so messed up
It's like a raging war going on in there
All the thoughts clashing against each other
The rights words are in there
But they're afraid to come out

I ask God where's my inner strength
Why is it hiding behind my painful heart
Trust me when I say my heart hurts
Not aches, just hurts
It's as good as being stabbed in the heart
Maybe the feeling might be better literally

I just want to live in another world
I thought about my future
But how am I to control my destiny
When I'm so helpless

I need help, I won't lie
Sadly, I have a hard time to figure out
What I feel

I hide behind a mask that smiles
I used to remember smiling a few years back
Something took away that smile
The place I live is losing its name 'home'
It becomes a hard place to live
I wish I could go
But consequences lies within my decision

Please God. Help me.
Save me from this misery that I suffer
Take away the pain I feel
Father, show me the route
Cos what I worry
I may go into depression
I'm crying for help

Every sundaym, I sit down on the couch at 6pm sharp. Wait for Everwood to come on. And I enjoy the feeling I get after every episode. It's not only the message behind each story but it's the feeling of wanting to be in their small town community.

Here we live in a high, fast-moving society where there are cars everywhere. When a crowd of people is the number above ten. I admit to being those who fantasize of living in the small town.

Gilmore girls, Dawson's Creek, Everwood and loads more. They show a small town community, leading their lives with the simple elements. The pace is so relaxing and there's always a place to escape. There's the forest, rivers, waterfalls and even a jetty. But here, it's hard to find one. I mean, literally, you could own that place and one day you'll tell your grandkids that you used to go there and sit there for hours. The place holds much more than memories for you.

For my situation, I don't have a stable person I can confide in. Stable as in someone who knows me so well and can just be there. Someone who would make me feel comfortable to pour out the troubles in my head. I've not met anyone yet. There's really personal problems that sometimes I don't feel comfortable sharing. In the end, it gives me a sense that I would trouble the person or I would feel ashamed of what I am.

Anyway, that's why with these places to go to, I just have nature to share my troubles with. Nature just expresses that that's how life is.

With a little bonus to the small town community, it's the snow. Almost all these shows I watched, they enjoyed the occasional snow. Beauty eh?

So now I write another goal for my life. When I grow old, I wanna live in a small town. I'll just ignore the nosey gossipers. I'm in it for the nature and the life.

I begin to think about how people accept reality. Do they really accept it or just wander in their own worlds?

Just a few moment ago, I was talking to a friend. I've never met him in real life but chat with him almost every night. He knows how to play with words and I admire his creativity. His imagination is wide and amazing. He sure knows how to create a world.

Bad part? He constantly thinks low of himself and sometimes can be a sadist. I mentioned the truth to him. I was so straighty forward that I didn't really think. 'A sadist at heart'. To me, it doesn't hurt because sadist was my nick, back in PL. But to others, it hurt I guess.

It pissed him off definitely. Personally, I feel that a little truth or criticism is good to keep you grounded once in a while. For me, I actually enjoy listening to criticism. It gives me some time to reflect on who I am. You live in your own world and sometimes you have no idea how you are perceived by people. So to know who you are to people, gives you a clearer picture of who you are. Man, I'm repeating myself.

Anyway, I've always got feedback from my friend that I'm still quiet. Haha! Something which I didn't quite expect most of the time. But if that's who I am, I'm trying hard to be louder! Just pray that hell won't break loose.

If you want news on this friend of mine, he just cooled down 10 minutes ago.