Last night, my dad told me that the young actor from SeaQuest DSV has commited suicide. The name 'Jonathan Brandis' easily floated back into memory. I've never heard of him for so many years. I went to check out the news and it was true. He had hung himself in his apartment. Nobody knows why and he didn't leave a note. He was only 27.

A few minutes back, I was reading the papers about the 'triangle'. Cathy Cineleisure, The Heeren and Youth Park - where all the young come out to play and show who they're really are. The skateboarders of youth park were describing about how the sport can be put into life. They do stunts that could be dangerous but it's a fear factor. It's a risk they're willing to take and if you don't try it, how will you learn? Of course, after the first fall, you get up and try it until you perfect it.

After reading that, it flowed into my head about my risk-taking. I've always told myself to take risks but there's always this little part of me that is so strong enough to make me chicken out. So small but it takes a lot to overcome. Like skateboarding, I'm taking a step at a time to overcome this little part of me.

Thinking back, over these years, compare me now and five years ago. It's a whole lot of difference. I have to admit that the small part was actually a huge one. I can say that I didn't go out to Orchard to hang out with my friends after school. I always went home after school except for occasion outings to get stuff and spend an hour with some friends. You can call me a homie. My nose was always stuck in the books as what people say. Truth, I spend more time on TV than studying. It's a miracle how I could do so well in certain subjects.

But I have to be grateful to those times. It moulded me to who I am. I didn't know what I wanted to do after secondary school. Seriously. I just considered taking business like my dad and sis. Or go into teaching. MTV was the one who opened my eyes. I never liked rock music and over these years, I've developed a love for it. I can say that it's my fave genre of music now but then I still love the others too. The harder the music, the better. It gives you a sense of freedom and a release of pressure. Yes, I know, I'm weird but you know what? That's me.

MTV brought out something out of me. I wanted to do mass communication. I wanted to write. I discovered my gift of writing in sec 3. I would write little novels and send them to my friends to read weekly. It's like some chinese serial but in a word document. But somewhere in my heart, I wanted to associated myself with music and I thought that as a sideline and a backup.

The ball dropped on me when i didn't make it to mass communication. I remembered tears flowing down my eyes, making a fool out of myself. Fortunately, God helped me make the right decision in choosing multimedia. It allowed me to display the creativity that my secondary school had never allowed me to nurture. I even discovered talents I never knew I had. I was able to write, design and think properly. I build up my confidence so much and took a risk in changing how I look. One day, I was watching tv and my mom walked by. 'Hey mom, I feel like coloring my hair'. Since then, I was leading the real world. My world.

An old primary school friend messaged me through friendster asking me, 'Are you claire from pl?' I replied back and she was stunned. It was good to hear from an old friend. So I'm left with this little small part. I'll take the skateboarding lesson into heart. I'll practise to overcome my fear.

What did Jonathan Brandis suicide had to do with this? Well, do all that you can while you are able. You learn a lot more by going out and it opens your mind. Just be yourself and not give into peer pressure or any other pressure.

Dr. Andrew Brown sits in the church late at night. All alone in the storm. He cries out to the Lord, pouring his heart out about his loss. It was his anniversary and all alone he sat. He thinks about his son, Ephram and daughter Delia. How much the three of them had to go through since the loss of a wife and a mother.

On the other side of the state, Amy clutches her bag of gifts for her boyfriend, Colin. She couldn't wait to see him after a long while. As she enters, it was the first time in months she saw him awake. Hoping to reunite after those tiring months. She starts telling him about how she spent her time last night wrapping gifts for him. It was until she stopped and looked into his eyes. His brown eyes had confusion in them. 'Nurse, why does he look at me like this? It's like he doesn't even know me anymore." The nurse could only do her job by saying the memory loss is common for patients who just woke up from a coma. The words pierced her heart and she ran out, sobbing into the arms of her father.

I watched the entire episode of this week's Everwood and saw the meaning of this episode instantly. It was all about changes and how people live with it. It's a choice on whether to deal with it and move on or simply sulk in a corner, unable to accept changes.

As for me, I welcome changes and it's something new for me. I can deal with that. But there is still a case of uncertainty. It's not about me but someone else. I see her living in her world that has been the same for the past 20 years or so. Even now, nothing new. She refuses to open her eyes and see the modern world. How society is moulding and there is more acceptance in this world. It's difficult for her. My only wish for her is to get out of the box and try something new. See things that she has never seen. Experiment and experience. Cos I know that life will be more fulfilling.

Another case is acceptance. Lately, I've been thinking more than acting. Whenever I'm angry, this comes to good use. I always tell myself that this how the person is and tolerance has to play a strong role. So I turn the negative thoughts around to something positive. It's a hard skill to master and I'm still learning. As for acting, it's up to me to do something. That's another step. I'm willing to try and I'm gonna give it all I got.

I feel like I'm in a Fear Factor episode. Here I am, standing 20 storeys high. With my helmet and safety belt on, I'm preparing to walk along a narrow piece of steel to get to the other side. My fear...heights. The wind is strong and I have to stand firmly on the ground to prevent me from getting blown off. I look down to see the other contestants looking back up at me. With several words sprouting out "You can't make it!", "You're gonna fall!" or "You're nothing!".

There's one person who represents these contestants. Here I am...having the adrenaline to try something new to overcome factors that I've never dare tried. I feel ready for it. But I let these comments get to me.

Right now, I want to try to get a job where I get to interact with people, communicate with all walks of life. Plucking up the courage to enter the real world, not that I'm not living it. Then I get "it's tough!", "Long hours!" or "Low pay!" in my ears. The rush and excitement of it dies down.

It took me some thinking and reflection. If I want to do something or even try, just do it. Don't let anyone affect you. Pursue what you want to do. If you don't suceed, you tried and learn something out of it. Thus, I decided to finish off some unfinished business and place all my time in accomplishing this goal for the hols. It's all about strategy now. It's my game now. I'm gonna cross that piece of metal and achieve the moment of success. It's all up to me and I will do it.

I kinda decided to write about something else too. Sleep attacks. I started to get more of it but they're mild ones. It's like something to comes over and takes over the body. The mind is awake and the body is being taken over. By what? I have no idea.

I did tell my friends about it back in secondary school. They're Buddhists and they believe that a spirit comes over to sits on top of you, takes control of you. Scary? Tell me about it.

The worse one that I got was during my 'O' levels. I was laying in my bed while my sister was in the room, studying. When I closed my eyes, I found myself in the office. There stood in front of me was a figure covered in a cloak. Face could not be seen but her laughter gave part of her identity away. Just a girl. Then her hand rose and she began stabbing me with the knife. Pain shot through my body and I couldn't move. When I was realised, I woke up hearing laughter. I looked at the clock and it was the same time I laid in bed. My sister was still at her table studying.

Some of these visions, deja vu. They came true especially when it came to the location or actions.

Well, there's no certain theory on why it happens. I remember researching it and nothing. They're just called sleep attackss. I had 2 of them last night. Straight away, when my eyes closed, they came. Lack of sleep was the result. Guess it's something I have to live with.

"You only live once". This is one of the most common sayings in this world and it's the truth. Sometimes you have to try something out of the ordinary, something that is not 'you'. It could also be something that you always wanted to do but didn't dare. Well, I'm type 2.

I always tell myself to learn how to take risks. Lately, I've been comtemplating the idea of trying out modelling. Something that is not me at all but I just want to try for fun - for the experience.

Then after a nap this afternoon, I just woke up thinking about it. Affirmative of my decision to give it a go. It took a lot of muscle to lift that hand of mine to dial. As I made the calls, fear slowly crept into my gut. Fear that I may be wrong, fear that something may go wrong. Fear of what people might think but that's minimal. The people I'm referring to is my family.

After talking to a good friend and even to the big guy above, I decided to give it a try. Nothing venture, nothing gain. Fortunately, a few hours ago, my mom gave me the nod and told me to be careful. It was assuring.

Now I'm a little psyched about it cos it's something new. Well, if I do get the job, good for me, I guess. I just want to try it out during the hols. If I don't, hey! I plucked up the courage to try and I'm darn proud of that!

Well, till then, we'll see the results.

Without a doubt, everyone has a dream for themselves or for others. They could sit down and just explore the fantasies in their heads. But when it comes down to reality, do they ever get up from that chair?

A family member has complained that she was staying home too much and not getting out. Fact, she doesn't want to get out. She finds the trouble of travelling up and down and the expenses. She complains about having nothing much to do. There's where I come in. Every morning I would flip through the classified searching thoroughly for a job not only for myself, and for her. When I do find something, she shakes her heads even though she told me she'll try. It's times like these that gets me boiling.

But I'm one of these people too. Guilty of it. I recalled a guest speaker strolling into the theatre with a bust of energy. Telling people how dreams can be fulfilled....well, in a entertainment sector. But I feel it applies to all areas even self. Sometimes you may have a spark of inspiration and the most important thing to do is to jot it down on some piece of paper. Who knows that piece of paper could cost you 5 million bucks?

I do have these moments where ideas start flowing into my head and worse part of it all is, it comes at the wrong times. I wouldn't have my camera at hand or a pen or a piece of paper. All I can do is hold on to these idea until I find a piece of paper. Sadly, the excitement fades when I do find a useful tool. Sometimes in the bus, I would find the trouble to bring a pen out or sketch it out but people would find it weird.

I'm mastering the 'don't-give-a-damn' attitude now and writing down whenever I feel like it. Cos just by getting up on your feet and taking a step, could take you further to that dream of yours. Even just a lift of a finger. Trouble isn't trouble. It's all up to you. That's why Nike always says 'Just Do It'. It's your call.

In Hollywood movies where we see a thin but bold straight line that exists between the average kids and popular kids in high schools. Without fail, directors and writers never fail to portray the line in their films, even in their books. In reality, it happens.

Here's my story. I was an average kid. I admit that I was not rich. Not all confident. Just a simple, normal, quiet girl who went to school. Main goal was to work hard to shows others what you're really made of. In these 'others' eyes, I'll purely made of is air...to be more specific: vapor.

That's a sad thing to hear but it's the truth. People whom I've been friends with through primary and secondary school has dodged the idea of being around people and make something out of themselves. The whole package that helps you to stand out is money, the people you hang out with, what you do and what you wear.

Money. Never fails to buy hearts of the popular girls where 'Oh! You live in this big house?' or 'Man, that gadget cause a bomb!"

The people you hang out with. Definition: Those who have already made a name for themselves. Mostly in sports and 'acts of misbehavior'. I will further define this together with the next category.

What you do: How have these fellows made a name for them? Sports that usually get them going is netball, table tennis, swimming and track. The usual. Because you're pretty and atheletic. Juniors worship you. The acts is something. Deciding to turn yourself into a butch. Snipping off the hair, walking like a guy, get a 'girlfriend', binding the breasts and give yourself a guy name. According to my statistics, I have known some who have grown out of it and became very feminine. But some were unlucky, they became undecided of their sexual identity and left themselves as 'guys'. Acts also like stealing, cheating, smoking and other stuff. 'Hey! Getting onto that platform in the morning to make a name for yourself in front of the whole school also made a permanent mark in your record!'

What you wear: For the butches, baggy is good! For the refered ah lians: Spaghetti, tubes, revealing tops that has to show the midriff. 'Oops! I did it again!'

I decided to try my luck at something. I feel that I have grown up after I left secondary school. I was more open and confident. Life in poly was 10 times better, i can even say 20 times. Latest thing: Friendster. To get in touch with your friends and make new friends. I decided to connect these 'popular' girls whom I once knew and been ignored by them after receiving their status. I've received back 2 messages asking who am I. One of them, I've met at my aunt's place and realised we were studying in the same primary school. The other, a primary school classmate who loves licking teachers shoes. (I'm not surprised if she's still doing that). Woah....have I got something to say. Never mind!

I did have friends in school and they were average girls who didn't care about being popular. They were the best bunch. But these fellows have decided to ditch the old ones for new ones. I guess this is it....so that is the real world, my friend. People would do what it takes to rise above the rest. Congratulations! It was a success! And I'm sorry to say, 'You were not a good friend'.

Never in a long while have I had this sort of dream. Where the unknown appears and I end up being the victim...well, I won't put it as a victim.

Last night, I dreamt that I was walking around a place similar the the fourth level of the ICT block (it could even be the same place) with my friend, melissa. I had no idea what we were doing there and then we spotted 2 guys (around our age), looking at us. I had the instinct that we were supposed to run and so we did. Since there was only lift, a door leading to stairs suddenly appeared and I pulled my friend along with me.

The guys didn't see it coming and gave chase. I could feel them closing up on us and we literally ran as fast as our legs could carry us. Then I spotted an alternate route and we tricked them by leading them to think we went up the stairs instead.

So i thought we were safe but continued to ran just in case they caught up. And yes they did, suddenly, they changed into older men and were fast. Melissa and I went our own seperate ways and I had no idea where she went. All I know was I went down. I spotted one Indian guy whose head was covered with blood running and then he disappeared. As for me, I ran in the same direction as him and spotted a lift. I realised that I was downstairs of my flat. I went inside the lift and the door closed.

Thinking that the nightmare was over, I was running door to door to find people for help cos I left my bag downstairs. Thing is, I didn't know that I had a bag along with me. Then I spotted a group of girls. I realised that they were from my secondary school and of the same age. Some I've spoken to before and some not. I was stunned but they were closest i could run to for help. They lent me a phone to call my dad. I went into a room where I found Melissa. She was covered in dirt and she managed to find refuge with these girls too.

My dad was worried and I recalled that he wanted to make sure that my hands were clean. He said that it was his duty. I don't know whether he meant it literally or something else...

Then I was back in my house, huddling in one corner. The 2 guys were still looking for us and they came to the door. Someone answered the door and replied they haven't seen us. They posted a reward for $12,320 if anyone has seen us. The dream ends here

And I wake up realising that it didn't happen. I was comforted by the familiar surroundings of my room and I was tucked nicely under the covers. What in the world happened? I don't know...